Dreaming Big: The Art of Discomfort
When I graduated university, I gave myself 5 years to work-nose-to-the-grindstone absolutely as much and as hard as I needed to to see if I could make self employment work before any need to reassess. Not that I planned to only work hard for five years of my life, rather I gave myself permission to miss out on other things - often centered around spending money on fleeting pleasures - with the long term goal of designing the framework for a life I could enjoy daily. That meant that I gave myself five years to be broke before deciding whether I needed a “real” job, to be exhausted before deciding whether I needed a better work-life balance, to pursue business before deciding whether the commercial nature of this job had killed the art.
As luck would have it, that five year mark arrived in May 2020, when my world and the world at large had ground to a standstill. In some ways, the forced rest was a personal blessing. After years of tumult, healing and unlearning problematic habits, finally having respite allowed me some insight into what creating a home base for myself could look like. And, in making use of my cross-genre photography skills to take on all kinds of different business ventures to stay afloat, my commercial photography portfolio and business acumen both greatly improved. The person I was at the end of 2019 would hardly recognize, in a predominately positive way, this 2023 version, both personally and professionally.
However, in finally finding contentment in at home and a new skill level in my work, comfort soon became an addictive indulgence. When I no longer needed to give 110% at every photoshoot to insure new and exciting opportunities kept coming in, and when I had a comfortable couch with snuggling cats at home always calling my name, the negative effects of comfort settled in. Now, I would never discourage satisfaction in your work, nor the desire for relaxation and snuggles. But (as a goal oriented person who enjoys an incredibly wide variety of things) lean into security for too long and it soon becomes complacency, which is a slippery slope for ennui.
After 14 months of seemingly nonstop travel - and (mostly) not exciting foreign travel, but constantly commuting to a different, less enthralling city for work - I intentionally give myself 3 weeks without photoshoots to make sure I had time to reflect. I’ve spent a good majority of my life working towards deadlines while also traveling - for school, for running and for work - so I’m well adapted for a demanding schedule. I thrive on organized chaos, while always craving those beautiful moments of down time that give me something to look forward to, to work towards. It’s the balance of striving for progress while dreaming of leisure that always informs my optimistic outlook.
In the same way that working towards being an independent person who knows what they want from a relationship often begets loneliness during that time of evolution, I knew that taking time to be “bored,” to disconnect from work so wholly that I might feel goalless and untethered - even temporarily a little depressed within the malaise - would allow me to gain a better perspective of the massive changes I’ve made in my life over the past few years and the things I’d like to change now. Essentially, I did what my therapist always instructed: sit with the sadness so that you learn what it teaches you.
I’m happy to say it was successful. The periods of internal work before the external work can begin are always uncomfortable, but are also all the more rewarding because they point you in the right direction. And, generally speaking, that direction often takes the shape of the wildly “impossible” dreams you had as a kid. Or maybe I just live in my head, but either way, this principle is at least true for me.
What I forgot over the past three years working through Covid, a move, re-establishing my business and discovering new hobbies is the joy within play (which sometimes means failure.) I leaned so far into the work side of things to survive - thanks, capitalism - that as necessary as that time was, in making sure I always delivered a replicable, worthy product which would continue to bring in business, I leaned away from the fun of unknown, and therefore the artistic side of visual storytelling. I’m not mad about it. The last three years have allowed me to explore numerous types of photography and communications work and to re-establish myself in a place which much better suites my personality, but business can really take the romance out of you.
I’ve never felt like I fit in anywhere. Too artsy to be a jock, too athletic to be a nerd, too much of an old soul to be cool, too much in love with adventure to settle anywhere, too interested in variety to choose a niche. I’ve turned this into an asset as I’m equally as comfortable with athletes flexing for media day as brides gushing over lace and florals, as at home in a fancy dress event as a garage rock concert.
Yet, I’ve had no blueprint within my circle for how to run a business, and I tend to be the only romantic in a room full of pragmatists. This can, often, become a recipe for doing what you “should” do, rather than what you could. As I discovered over the last few weeks of reading, resting, reflecting and dreaming, I allowed myself to dismiss my childhood dreams, the ones which initially brought me to this business in the first place, in favor of practicality. I hope to spend my last few months in my 20s reimagining those early (and still very much the same) dreams within the framework I’ve already created so that I pay due respect both to my love of cat snuggles, family time and stability and to my desire for world travels, high end photography, gallery- and book-related art work, and sitting in cafes sipping beverages while discussing philosophy. If we only get one life, why can’t it be one of great fantasy whenever possible?
In dreaming big, I also believe in putting your goals and intentions out into the world in order to realize them. So, here are some of 13-year-old Adrian’s work related dreams that are still very much alive within 29-year-old Adrian:
Photographing (from my own luxury kitchen + studio) for cookbooks, chefs and print magazines
Traveling globally in order to photograph with and interview food related business owners, particularly those on the forefront of food sustainability
Photographing vividly colorful as well as dramatic black-and-white portraits in my studio for large scale printing. With a heavy emphasis on storytelling and personality more in line with magazine and editorial work than with corporate imagery (even/especially when done for corporate clients)
Photographing clients on film with a greater emphasis on slow, curated, fine art style with all aspects of the photoshoot done manually in house
Photographing destination wedding weekends for incredible travel documentary style print albums including on-location casual (engagement) sessions, family activities + portraits, all of the wedding festivities, epic next-day couples session in wedding attire, landscape images and street photography in said destination and personal interviews + written memories. Additionally, creating a travel television style documentary video including all of the same.
Photograph at a major sporting event (hello, Olympic Athletics) with both editorial and competition imagery
Selling my travel prints on a larger scale, and curating travel photo collections for clients (even traveling somewhere specifically to photograph artwork for clients)
Working on long form documentary projects culminating in both gallery shows and book publications including my own writing
Building my own Studio House designed inside and out for portrait/wedding, fashion and food photoshoots as well as art/food-centered community
Build and design said Studio House landscape and greenhouse to create floral backdrops for every season, with a fully sustainable kitchen garden
Host and teach darkroom-centered workshops and long term classes for students, focusing on visual storytelling as a means for finding your own voice
Nonprofit work centered around student art exhibitions and travel for those without means
All of these dreams lie on the other side of contentment, not hoping that the grass is greener, rather acknowledging that within privilege lies the ability to always absorb and reflect more of the joy and brilliance of life. It’s also not waiting for things to be better/easier so you can enjoy them, rather being able to see the romance within everyday life so that the simplest pleasures can be rewarding; that is, after all, the premise of my commercial photography.
And why share these deeply personal thoughts and dreams? I’m not so humble to assume that people don’t care what I think, and if I realize even half of these goals and can publish my own selections of work, it will be fulfilling to look back at these first shaky steps embarking towards unknown adventures.
